I have been feeling exhausted lately. Autumn has been sick with something or teething and it has just been making her miserable. She was fussy, whiny, not eating, and asking to nurse all day long this past weekend. Yesterday I thought she was better, but when I put her to bed, she slept for two hours and woke up and then wouldn't go back to sleep until after my usual bedtime. It's not that I'm so tired, just busy and it hasn't been since she had colic at three weeks old that I have so clearly heard the message from her that something is wrong, and I just can't figure out what the fuck it is. So disempowering. And painful to watch. Hurts my ears way less than colic, though.
So I have been sacrificing writing you a letter to fumble around doing everything in my power to nurture my child, and not having a moment to do much of anything for myself. But I get lots of cuddles, which I will never complain about.
In general, I am kinda hard on myself. It's not the same as just setting high expectations. Cause I sort of beat myself up...isn't that an ex-catholic thing? :) Anyway, I have never considered myself REALLY good at anything. So after I decided I wasn't cut out for the elementary school in the inner city setting, I started wondering "what now" for the millionth time in my life. And then I was pregnant. And shocked that I was able to get pregnant And how did this happen? And then I was SURE there was no way that I, Joy, could create a perfect person. And then, there she was. And among all the crazy emotions you have when you find out whoever this person is, she is going to be a part of your life for as long as you exist, I was actually really scared to be a mom.
I thought this was because I knew the importance, the seriousness, the gravity of taking on this responsibility. Because I've worked with kids, and loved kids, and I have two German shepards who depend on me for life.
but actually, I think I was scared because I have never considered myself REALLY good at anything. And being a mom is the thing I HAVE to be MORE than good at.
Let me pause for a second, and say this, independent of what I was just saying...truly.
Just as you wrote how hard it is to find good educators, i have noticed during my 17 month journey of mothering A, that good moms are just as hard to find. How shocking this is, and how uncomfortable to type, but it seems to be true based on so many things I have witnessed in my time as a teacher and mother. I am not so much talking about child abuse...i wish i had a name for what I'm talking about. maybe an example will help me to convey what i mean, like you did with your yoga instructor.
When I take A to the "community" center toddler time, I work like an unpaid teacher in a fucked up preschool classroom. The other moms, and sometimes dads but mostly it's moms, get their big starbucks and have social hour with the other mommies, often just sitting along the walls without any concern for what is going on with their kids sometimes five feet away from them. They can do this, because I care about A too much to release her into a Lord of the Flies situation at such a young age. So when the other kids push, steal toys, throw toys at other kids, cut in line, almost run over other kids with their tricycles, I am always their to help, to explain, to stop kids i don't know's skulls from getting crushed by metal dump trucks, AND help A learn to climb the ladder on the slide, so that the other irresponsible mothers can have gossip time and non fat sugar free lattes. And at the end of an hour i am so exhausted and disappointed in humanity (really) that A misses out because I never want to go back there and work as an unpaid nanny again. On the days I'm not there, I'm sure all the kids live through the experience, I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's just that I don't understand how a mom can be so careless, so free, to behave the way these other women do. i gave up carefree when I got pregnant, right? am i right?
i think it's called, in philosophy, "the prisoner's dilemma" but i know there is another name to describe it socially. but you have heard it before, i bet: two prisoners are caught and put in separate interrogation rooms. They know that if both of them denies any responsibility whatsoever, they will have the least punishment. but they also both know that if one doesn't squeal and the other person blames it on the him, the one who outs the other will go free his accomplice will take all the blame.
i am the prisoner who saves my accomplice, thinking she will do the same for me. And i end up with a life sentence because i say she's innocent, and she says it was me. (okay, maybe a little dramatic, but you know me!) I know I sound judgmental, but these are my observations, they have nothing to do with whether or not i think I'm a good mom.
okay unpause, now back to me.
Beacuse if they did, i would KNOW I'm a good mom. And I still wonder all the time, every day. Is it the wondering part that makes me a good mom? How do you know? How do you know you're a good teacher? How come it's so easy to figure out when you're doing a bad job, and evaluating a good performance is so complicated? i don't think i can teach again until i figure this out. The last time we talked on the phone you said, "you have no idea what you're worth," which makes me almost shed tears. How do I know this for myself?
Also, I can't wait to hear about NZ. I will wait patiently.
love,
joy
No comments:
Post a Comment