Good moms are hard to find

Dear Kendra,



I have been feeling exhausted lately. Autumn has been sick with something or teething and it has just been making her miserable. She was fussy, whiny, not eating, and asking to nurse all day long this past weekend. Yesterday I thought she was better, but when I put her to bed, she slept for two hours and woke up and then wouldn't go back to sleep until after my usual bedtime. It's not that I'm so tired, just busy and it hasn't been since she had colic at three weeks old that I have so clearly heard the message from her that something is wrong, and I just can't figure out what the fuck it is. So disempowering. And painful to watch. Hurts my ears way less than colic, though.

So I have been sacrificing writing you a letter to fumble around doing everything in my power to nurture my child, and not having a moment to do much of anything for myself. But I get lots of cuddles, which I will never complain about.

In general, I am kinda hard on myself. It's not the same as just setting high expectations. Cause I sort of beat myself up...isn't that an ex-catholic thing? :) Anyway, I have never considered myself REALLY good at anything. So after I decided I wasn't cut out for the elementary school in the inner city setting, I started wondering "what now" for the millionth time in my life. And then I was pregnant. And shocked that I was able to get pregnant And how did this happen? And then I was SURE there was no way that I, Joy, could create a perfect person. And then, there she was. And among all the crazy emotions you have when you find out whoever this person is, she is going to be a part of your life for as long as you exist, I was actually really scared to be a mom.

I thought this was because I knew the importance, the seriousness, the gravity of taking on this responsibility. Because I've worked with kids, and loved kids, and I have two German shepards who depend on me for life.

but actually, I think I was scared because I have never considered myself REALLY good at anything. And being a mom is the thing I HAVE to be MORE than good at.

Let me pause for a second, and say this, independent of what I was just saying...truly.
Just as you wrote how hard it is to find good educators, i have noticed during my 17 month journey of mothering A, that good moms are just as hard to find. How shocking this is, and how uncomfortable to type, but it seems to be true based on so many things I have witnessed in my time as a teacher and mother. I am not so much talking about child abuse...i wish i had a name for what I'm talking about. maybe an example will help me to convey what i mean, like you did with your yoga instructor.

When I take A to the "community" center toddler time, I work like an unpaid teacher in a fucked up preschool classroom. The other moms, and sometimes dads but mostly it's moms, get their big starbucks and have social hour with the other mommies, often just sitting along the walls without any concern for what is going on with their kids sometimes five feet away from them. They can do this, because I care about A too much to release her into a Lord of the Flies situation at such a young age. So when the other kids push, steal toys, throw toys at other kids, cut in line, almost run over other kids with their tricycles, I am always their to help, to explain, to stop kids i don't know's skulls from getting crushed by metal dump trucks, AND help A learn to climb the ladder on the slide, so that the other irresponsible mothers can have gossip time and non fat sugar free lattes. And at the end of an hour i am so exhausted and disappointed in humanity (really) that A misses out because I never want to go back there and work as an unpaid nanny again. On the days I'm not there, I'm sure all the kids live through the experience, I'm not trying to be dramatic. It's just that I don't understand how a mom can be so careless, so free, to behave the way these other women do. i gave up carefree when I got pregnant, right? am i right?

i think it's called, in philosophy, "the prisoner's dilemma" but i know there is another name to describe it socially. but you have heard it before, i bet: two prisoners are caught and put in separate interrogation rooms. They know that if both of them denies any responsibility whatsoever, they will have the least punishment. but they also both know that if one doesn't squeal and the other person blames it on the him, the one who outs the other will go free his accomplice will take all the blame.

i am the prisoner who saves my accomplice, thinking she will do the same for me. And i end up with a life sentence because i say she's innocent, and she says it was me. (okay, maybe a little dramatic, but you know me!) I know I sound judgmental, but these are my observations, they have nothing to do with whether or not i think I'm a good mom.

okay unpause, now back to me.

Beacuse if they did, i would KNOW I'm a good mom. And I still wonder all the time, every day. Is it the wondering part that makes me a good mom? How do you know? How do you know you're a good teacher? How come it's so easy to figure out when you're doing a bad job, and evaluating a good performance is so complicated? i don't think i can teach again until i figure this out. The last time we talked on the phone you said, "you have no idea what you're worth," which makes me almost shed tears. How do I know this for myself?

Also, I can't wait to hear about NZ. I will wait patiently.

love,

joy

Penal system for Hardasses

Dear Joy,

You're the best!

I think blogs are special places to speak our minds. We're not writing in an educational journal here and we're writing as friends, not colleagues. I think that there will be moments where we'll have some serious dialog, but if I know us well, then there will always be some humor (even bawdy humor).

Today I wrote an email to a mom and went back and forth on whether to use the word "hard ass". I decided to go ahead with it. We've got a great, friendly relationship, and I've used cussing strategically with homeless clients, coworkers, teen students and families for years. I've got one mom who said "You are SHITTIN' me!" (a very New England exclamation, I must say) and I thought "Aw. We're friends. She likes me!" right way. (And who are we kidding? I'm clearly a hard ass.)

In the same way, I'd say that I imagine that we'll find a shared rhythm and a style over time. I linked to some of my favorite blogs in the margin, take a look. There are a few people who can get very serious about the serious things, but are generally casual and conversational and that's the way I'd like to keep it, if it's cool by you. I didn't link to Dooce, because her blog has become about a lot of things (not to say I'm so hardcore I started following her when she was having post-partum depression with her first kid, but I am.) like hair care and furniture instead of Mormonism and crazed dogs but I love her style of blogging in general, and she's totally worth checking out. In fact, after going to the page to get the link, I think I might start reading it again!

I think that even THIS conversation can be linked to teaching. Yes, a kid in the class I'm observing did mention my boobies and my butt. (His comments were overheard by my supervising teacher while I was not in the room, thought.) Everyone handles humor and cussing in the classroom differently. I am known as "Ms. Something" for the first time ever. When I told my S. teacher my name, she said "Woof." so I told her I could be "Ms. P". A little girl in the class told me the school already has a Mr. P and a Ms. P. I told her she could call me "Ms. PJ" and she liked that. I'd tell them to call me Kendra or Ms. Kendra, but I don't want to buck traditions and mores that I don't fully understand yet.

When I was in 6th grade, our science teacher Mrs. August had a brain tumor or something and was out for a long time. Our substitute was the most beautiful earth child (besides you) that you've ever seen. She was really short,shorter than me in 5ht grade and she had long wavy hair and wore long flowery dresses. In my memory she's barefoot at the front of the class, but I think that's wrong. Her name was Daniel. Even at 10 years old, I could see how the simple choice of using her first name aroused distrust and animosity from all the other teachers in the school. We loved what she taught us (in our unit on flight we started with the story of Icarus!) and we loved her but we tried not to act like it in front of the old guard. Eventually I figured out Daniel's last name and started using it when speaking about her in the third person to other teachers so that they might see past her name to her great teaching.

Till next time,
Ms. Pj

thoughts about this blog

Dear Kendra,

I went back and read our first two letters, and accidentally read your draft which i didn't realize wasn't published--sorry. So I'm writing this as if i don't have any idea what your next letter is about, and that's good, because I have been thinking a few things about this blog and i wanted to tell you what was going on in my head before we went any further. One interesting thing about being a stay at home is that although i am always busy, i have a lot of thought time. i am constantly stuck in my head. That can be both good and bad. Anyway...

First of all, i don't know if my style of humor is right for this. I don't really know what I mean by "my style of humor" but to make it concrete, my comments on the word "penal" might not be appreciated, respected, and maybe we are trying to be more "serious". More importantly, is it even funny? I am only concerned because i want this to be open to an audience of more than just our friends from Hilltop should we decide to allow the world to read it (and they WILL want to read this).

Which leads me to my second point, which you tried to bring up in your letter, and i never addressed: who will read this? I don't know but somebody besides us should. The more feedback/opinions/information shared/ the better, I think. We are all learners here :) But also I am shy so it is hard for me. I haven't told anyone about it but M. He hasn't read it though. The one big draw back for me, however, is i will probably hold back on the emotional/personal stuff. And not try to be funny because bad humor will ruin it. I'm hoping at some point we will just decide to send the link to our peers and after that it will be word of mouth. Maybe you can use it as a project for the school of ed. Maybe one of your professors will like it. Maybe they all will and mine from the CU school of ed will want to read it too. right?

Where will we get our ideas for our entries? I am not worried about that. I feel like we are both continuously inspired by the beauty, imagination, and abilities we see in children, and shocked by the horrors we have witnessed in education (or hopefully that's just me) (not talking about Hilltop)(Let me clarify: Title I school in Denver) (and I think we've both read Jonathan Kozal). I just think we will have plenty of things to talk to each other about.

A question from me: How scholarly are we to sound? Clearly this is not a formal writing situation, but i find myself stressing when I end a sentence with a preposition. And what do you think about typos, correct grammar, or typing "I" as "i". Should we strive to sound educated and elegant? Or is that wasting the efforts I should be spending on content, research, and introspection?

I think that's all my thoughts regarding this blog for now. Let me know yours.

So you heard a third grader telling his friends he was going to grope you against your will? Wonder where he got that idea from? That is so 8 year old to say that and not notice you were close enough and he was loud enough for you to hear him. What were you wearing? Just kidding.

love,
joy

Oh dear

Dear Joy,

I have a smattering of thoughts that are related to teaching and learning and schools today. They're not fully formed, but I'm writing to build the habit.

Good teachers are hard to find.
I had an emotional conversation with my yoga teacher on Sunday. Our class had a conference where we ate clementines and banana bread and drank chai... it was the first time I'd been to class since the miscarriage. I'd felt out-of-shape, and uncoordinated through the class, but also really grateful to be there and much more present in my body than I'd been in weeks. My teacher let me know already that continuing to grow my Ashtanga practice and keep trying to have a baby are not compatible right now. She suggested that I could practice at home, stop building my practice, and come to class once in awhile. I sort of wish that she was an uninformed "let it all hang out" kind of yogi instead of a wise, thoughtful one who knows each of her students well, and serves us with great honesty and integrity. Another yogi would tell me it was fine to come to class, that my mind could overpower my matter. But she's a fantastic teacher, just the kind I try to be, so she told me the truth.

This is relevant not just because of the kind of teacher K is, but because of the kind of learner I am, and because it's time for me now to be my own yoga teacher for awhile. In the past, I've fallen for other styles of yoga, or other charismatic yoga teachers, but K turned my own attention and interest back to myself every time. Doing the same sequence of poses every day helped me to learn about my mind and my body without being actually informed by my wise teacher. She knew when just the right moment or just the right day to mention something, or push me a little farther. I learned about the period of time for me right after I've been excited about something I've discovered, the period where I have made the thing part of my identity (bird-watching, uni-cycle riding or yoga) but haven't cemented it as part of my life, so that the identity piece remains even weeks after the last time I've practiced my new interest. My interest in K as a teacher (a very demanding teacher who insisted we practice together three times a year in order for her to teach me) managed to keep me showing up long after I might have under other circumstances.



Teaching myself to teach
From http://www.lessonplanspage.com/MD23.htm

My homework this week is to write a lesson plan. Part of "learner centered" college is that I need to figure out how to do this on my own. (Especially because my mentor is in Egypt for 10 days!) After 5 years of planning curriculum without discrete "lesson plans" I'm so curious about what's out there! I'm on a listserv of teachers from Rethinking Schools and they have occasionally over the years referenced various lesson plans about teaching math with social justice or about the N word, or about military recruitment in schools. Thanks to gmail I still have all of them and I suppose it's time to take a gander. When I googled "Lesson Plans" (I know there are texts on this... I picked other great texts on Curriculum for this class ("Curriculum Planning") but they mostly involve debates about what the curriulum should be or not be, without too many details. The only books I have about the nuts and bolts are about Backwards Design and they don't "do" lesson plans. Which brings me to the internet. Among the gems I've found are:

"This idea involves creating "Penguin light bulbs""
and
"A great Thanksgiving lesson on texture called "Textured Turkeys"."

Ahem. I've got a lot of reading ahead of me!